Naturally

Saturday, July 02, 2011

Being blamed is what i hate very much when its not even my fault! Its fine with me if you don't believe my explanation but you don't have to tell other people that its my fault! Worst still, right infront of my face!

To be very frank, i'm tear naturally when i get blamed and no matter how much i explain, its useless, even for minor problems. When i tear or maybe cry, you don't have to make matters worst by saying "I say like that only you cry"! Why do you want to say that? I fucking hate that!

You think i like to cry? But too bad, its a natural feeling. I can't help it! Not everyone is that strong. There are also the weaklings, like me. I'm very soft-hearted.

To quote an example, i have problems with my project group member. She always gives the group trouble and there were many times i felt like confronting her but i didn't do it. Why? Because i dare not, i'm weak, i'm soft-hearted, i'm not fierce, i can't be angry so easily!

One of my groupmate actually did warn her, i won't say confront cos she did it in a not very fierce tone but with abit of angry tone. At least she got the courage to at least warn or say about her wrong doings, not like me, so timid.

Another example, my group had a problem with a project and we could not produce the full thing by the submission date. This was all because of one group member. The teacher had a talk with the group and this problematic member kept pushing the blame to me when its actually her fault! When the teacher questioned me, i did explain the whole situation and clarify that its not my fault but during the process, my eyes slowly turned watery and tears almost dripped down my face.

When i was away from the teacher and the problematic group member, i cried! :(

The moral of this two examples is not everyone is so strong and have the courage to stand up for themselves totally. There are those who will collapse.

And this are all natural feelings!!!

If you say being courageous and strong can be trained, i will believe you but training takes years. If you start at a young age, maybe you will be a very courageous, confident and strong person when you reach teenage years. But for me? My age? I'm at my last teen year, how to train?! Can, but by the time i'm fully geared up, i will be a full grown adult already. Maybe by that time i will naturally be stronger and with more courage?

I may be pampered at young and not trained to be independent and brave but i don't regret it. In my opinion, we shouldn't live with any regrets, it will be a torture. Nevertheless, i'm trying to change into a better and more independent person now.

I tried to change, i tried to be fierce, i tried to be strong but i always failed. I'm still trying and constantly trying. Changing is not an overnight thing. Changing needs time. Bad habits need alot of time to become good habits. Natural feelings needs even more time!

Like what my blog tagline says "Sometimes Cheerful, Sometimes Serious, Sometimes Boliao", i can be funny, cheerful and boliao at times but sometimes i'm quite serious, especially on heart-to-heart topics.

I always am trying my very best to be stronger than what i am now. I always try to be more grown up and not so child-like but all this needs alot of time. Maybe years? I don't know.

Maybe as i grow older, i will become more mature and stronger, will not be so soft-hearted like now and will not cry or tear so easily. Maybe? Its all just time and nature.

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